What not to say to a cop...

[peter altas]

I used to live in Broadmeadows, so I feel I have the right to post this one:


Peter Altas
BUSA-1

[Firestorm Mark]

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come
you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"



DECEPTIVE SEX:

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been.

The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

[Firestorm Mark]

1. Little Johnny was in his kindergarten class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman,
policeman, salesman.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so
the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's
an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all
his clothes in front of other men."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work
on some colouring in and took little Johnny aside to
ask him "Is that really true about your father working
in a gay strip club?"

"No," said Johnny, "he really plays test cricket for
England but I was too embarrassed to say."


2. Party Time in Alaska

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...
Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Firestorm Mark]

.....an oldie, but a goodie.

A train hits a busload of Broady Schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St Peter asks the first girl (from Jacana), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl (from Broady) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,and the girl from Dallas is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies.. "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine (from Coolaroo) sticks her arse in it!!"


Last one I promise.............

Three dogs a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

The Doberman says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[kamakazebusa]

That's some funny shit dude, luv the dog one . i'll have to pass that one around....

[demeester]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 165 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"