Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[CaptainRob]

The Dot l
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a 7/11, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in Australia.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Telstra technical advice.

[CaptainRob]

Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic.


A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda .

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.........
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[ROD]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*his last battle

... Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
*exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
*It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[Batfink]

Q14. What's always on it's way but never arrives?
* Tomorrow

[Dale]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .








"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[ROD]

Q14. What's always on it's way but never arrives?
* Tomorrow

Yes saw a sign on a ride with Corbin in Vic i think it was the tool shed sign on the wall " Free Beer Tommorow "

[Batfink]

[/size]THE THINGS U SEE SITTING AT A BAR[size=medium]

   
   
   
   
   


i bet you were all thinking of &

[CaptainRob]

Just How Sensitive Should a Man Be?

1. In the company of females, intercourse
should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the
first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You should always time your orgasm so
that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Fox Sports.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating The Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

[pan]

[Dale]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[revhead]

today had a ute in for some repairs ,

i rang the owner ,yup mate utes fixed ,he said ,see you about 6pm as im working back ,
yup sure ,i said ,then packed up locked up and went home,
i get a phone call tonight at 5,55pm just as i was walking out the front door to go and meet the guy to give him back his ,ute.

he said sorry mate cant pick it up tonight ,,wifes gone into labour,
i said really ,i thought she was just fat!, the bloke cracked up with the biggest laugh ,then said to me i shouldnt laugh ,she tells me its a gland problem,
i didnt say to much after that,lol

gland problem ,yup a big fat gland ,lol