An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States..........Why do you think it's called Wrigley's ?"
Braddo
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing,swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants -to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's,and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...
Well .. Almost good.
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
BRADDO
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course >of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if shewants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She members the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
"Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.>
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering.
"What number?"
"Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished.
"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from
number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
GROWING UP IN AUSTRALIA.................
I'm talking about hide and seek in the park. The corner milk bar, hopscotch, billy carts, cricket in front of the garbage bin, skipping, handstands, footy on the best lawn in the street, British bulldog 1-2-3, go home stay home, slip'n'slide, the trampoline with water on it, hula hoops, pogo sticks, stepping in enormous puddles, mud pies and
building dams in the gutter. The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.'Big bubbles no troubles' with Hubba Bubba bubble gum. A choc-top Mr Whippy cone on a warm summer night after you've chased him round the block. When 20 cents worth of mixed lollies was a meal
and smoking 'fags' was really cool.
Wait....... Watching Saturday morning cartoons...short commercials, The Thunderbirds (if you got up reeeeeally early), the Smurfs, AstroBoy, He-Man, Captain Caveman, Archie, Jem (truly outrageous!!) and heeeey heeeeey heeeeeeey it's faaaaaaat albert.Or staying up late and
sneaking a look at the "AO" on the second telly.
When around the corner seemed far away, and going into town seemed like going somewhere. A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee stings. Sticky fingers. Cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, riding bikes and catching tadpoles. Marco polo in the neighbours' pool ("fish outta water?!" "NOOOO"), drawing all over the road with chalk. Climbing
trees and building cubbies out of every sheet your mum had in the cupboard. Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for the giggles. Being tired from playing... Remember that??????
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Cricket cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle... eating raw jelly, making homemade lemonade and sucking on a Funny Face or red Freeza.
Remember when... There were only two types of sneakers - girls and boys. Dunlop volleys with the green 'n' gold or blue and the only time you wore them at school was for "sports day." You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents! It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 50c was decent pocket money. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 10c. When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there from school.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at the local Chinese restaurant with your parents. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed her or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! Some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, yeah, I remember that!
Remember when... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" or scissors, paper, rock. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly". The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex
was boy/girl germs, and the worst thing in your day was
having to sit next to one. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than your Mum. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C's. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Going to the beach and catching a wave was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare". Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most of these, then you have LIVED!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grownup" life... I DOUBLE-DARE YA!!
Braddo
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch."
Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens!!
1) Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.
2) Only in Australia... is "you awake" the standard
concept of foreplay.
3) Only in Australia... do Supermarkets make the sick
people walk all the way to the back of the store to
get their Panadol's etc while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4) Only in Australia... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries... and a Diet Coke.
5) Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open
and chain the pens to the counter.
6) Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our
junk in the garage.
7) Only in Australia... do we use answering machines
to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.
Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics"
to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly)in
Latin meaning "many" and, "tics" meaning blood sucking
creatures".
9) Only in Australia... do we live by the saying
"you're never too pissed if you can still find the
floor".
Stand proud Aussie's....!!!
Braddo
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch."
Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slow - because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20kms from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a ute. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed
the envelope
Braddo
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch."
An English Backpacker, an Aussie and a New Zealander are in a bar one night, having beer. All of a sudden the Kiwi downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Un Nu Zelan our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drunk from the same one twice." The Pommie Backpacker, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well chaps, in 'England we have so many glass factories to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Aussie, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Kiwi and Pommie Backpacker and then says:
"In Sydney we have so many bloody Kiwis and English Backpackers that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Braddo
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch."
A young blonde woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night
by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she
stood on the edge of the dock, pondering the infinite, a young sailor
noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are
you?"
he
asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his
arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look,
nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe
tomorrow.
Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll
set
you up in one of lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every
night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after'me". The blonde
clearly
had no other prospects so she agreed and the sailor snuck her onboard
that
night.
For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night,
bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then,
during
the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the
ship
& it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young
woman
and demanded an explanation. The young woman
came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is
helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every
night, and.....he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin crept
up
on his face.
" He sure has, this is the Manly Ferry!"
Braddo
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch."
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