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+--- Thread: Jokes,,, (/showthread.php?tid=11650)
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Jokes,,, - kawasuki - 20-02-2009
1.
If
your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done
wrong?
Made
her chain too long.
2
your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The
dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
RE: Jokes,,, - bigfoot - 20-02-2009
good jokes mate!
RE: Jokes,,, - simmo - 20-02-2009
Not a joke but
Australian Stimulus Package...
This may seem a little bit cynical, but here goes.
Important Information on the AUSTRALIAN Stimulus Payment
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."
_____________________________________________
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the AUSTRALIAN economy.
We need to keep that money here. So please keep the money here by spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses we still have in Australia.
RE: Jokes,,, - simmo - 20-02-2009
The Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
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Sum Ting Wong
RE: Jokes,,, - bigfoot - 20-02-2009
nice!!
RE: Jokes,,, - Bill Gaheer - 20-02-2009
STIMULUS 101 2009 STYLE
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor
and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but
if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project,
I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The
professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a
bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go
over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."
The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then
dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally
confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and
began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
The professor matter-of-faculty stated that he was trying to make the shallow
end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured
that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the
student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.
The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and
effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over,
everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have
accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive
action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations.
You now understand the stimulus bill."
RE: Jokes,,, - kawasuki - 21-02-2009
+ one joke
How
is a woman like a condom?
Both
of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
RE: Jokes,,, - simmo - 21-02-2009
I'D LOVE TO BE 8 AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jam toasties!
He took her to Dreamworld and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation..."I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....
RE: Jokes,,, - simmo - 21-02-2009
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
‘ A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?’
RE: Jokes,,, - CarbonBusa - 21-02-2009
Good one simmo
RE: Jokes,,, - simmo - 23-02-2009
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now.......
I never looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
RE: Jokes,,, - kawasuki - 23-02-2009
fark simmo,,,, how about some short jokes,,,, your ones are like reading a farking novel.
RE: Jokes,,, - spamanglenn - 23-02-2009
A local churchgoer is out fishing and finally hooks the fish he was after.When he does he says i got you,you fucker.When he looks over he sees another member of his church giving him horrid looks about his swearing.Quickly the fisherman replies to his fellow christian that the fish is called a fucker fish.So they real the fish in together and the second fellow offers to clean the fish for him so they can share it together.So they go up to the nunns house and explain they caught this fucker fish and would she cook it so they can all enjoy it.The nunn goes one step further and suggest the pope is in town and they can share it with him.So the dinner takes place and they announce to the pope that they,ve got this fucker fish for supper.The fisherman says he caught the fucker,the helper said he cleaned the fucker,and the nunn says she cooked the fucker.The pope looks around at his fellow christians with first alook of shock then a look of contentment.He then pulls out a little flask of whisky and has a swig,puts his feet on the table,pulls out a cigar and lights it up,then he looks around and says....you know what..... you c******* are alright.
RE: Jokes,,, - simmo - 05-03-2009
Arr fishing jokes
Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
RE: Jokes,,, - simmo - 06-03-2009
A blonde woman finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she is in dire financial straits. She is desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray, “God, please help me. I have lost my business and if I do not get some money, I am going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.â€
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays, “God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.â€
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays, “My God, why have you forsaken me? I have lost my business, my house and my car. I do not often ask You for help and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.â€
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The woman is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself,
“Sweetheart,
work with Me on this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
buy a ticket.â€