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+--- Thread: Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD (/showthread.php?tid=18106)
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 31-05-2010
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again.
Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 09-06-2010
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - PostmanPete - 09-06-2010
An oldie but a goodie! LOL
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 10-06-2010
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.
HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES...
English ------ I Love You
Spanish ------ Te Amo
French ------- Je T'aime
German -------- Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese ------- Ai Shite Imasu
Italian -------- Ti Amo
Chinese ------- Wo Ai Ni
Swedish -------- Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian -------- As Tave Meliu
Australia -------- Nice Tits, Hop in the Ute
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 17-06-2010
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all-round combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - FastPhil - 17-06-2010
hu huh huh very funny!
I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.
- Shelley Winters
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - PostmanPete - 25-06-2010
The Socceroo's visited an orphanage in South Africa this morning.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of those constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umbuto aged 6
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 28-06-2010
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Aussie Woolworths. The husband picks up a carton of VB and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup in aisle 12, we have a husband down.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 09-07-2010
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he
tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
>
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying
to figure out how to pick the thing up.
>
> Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
>
Paddy was driving home, p*ssed as a newt, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid
a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells
the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For feck sake Paddy, that's your air freshener!"
>
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says
"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
>
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the feck you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't feckin breathe".
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - simmo - 26-07-2010
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 29-07-2010
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Timmy_0_T00l - 29-07-2010
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 30-07-2010
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'One.'
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - FastPhil - 02-08-2010
Huh, huh, ha, very good!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Madmax - 03-08-2010
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....