+- Welcome to The Australian Hayabusa Club Forum - ARCHIVE ONLY VERSION - NEW REGISTRATIONS & POSTS DISABLED (https://www.australian-hayabusa-club.com/MyBB)
+-- Forum: Non Bike Discussions (https://www.australian-hayabusa-club.com/MyBB/forumdisplay.php?fid=43)
+--- Forum: Not Bike Related (https://www.australian-hayabusa-club.com/MyBB/forumdisplay.php?fid=9)
+--- Thread: Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD (/showthread.php?tid=18106)
Pages:
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 01-11-2009
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 01-11-2009
pope
After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
Im sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work that morning..
Who's going to tell? says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, Im going to lose my license -- and my job! moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going 205 kph.
So bust him, says the Chief.
I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!
No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, Who do you have there, the mayor?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: A senator?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The Prime Minister?
Cop: Bigger.
Well, said the Chief, who is it?
Cop: I think its God!
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, What makes you think its God?
Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 03-11-2009
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 03-11-2009
LMFAO - very good Nem
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 03-11-2009
(03-11-2009, 05:45am)m8ee Wrote: LMFAO - very good Nem
Glad you liked it
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 03-11-2009
A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts 'Yes I am!'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk
'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies 'No I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers 'No I haven't found Jesus!'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - bigfoot - 03-11-2009
lol!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 05-11-2009
One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 09-11-2009
My neighbors, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - bigfoot - 09-11-2009
lol awesome Nem!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 10-11-2009
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it...
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an arrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
*Cement Block* =You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - bigfoot - 10-11-2009
lol!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 15-11-2009
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it? 'The doctor asked.'
Actually, yes, I do.
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No... I rather like it.
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if That's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 15-11-2009
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Two Brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Catholic coffee
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Madmax - 16-11-2009
Subject: A very astute Queen
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:
As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."
Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."