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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Ruffy - 30-07-2009
Stress Management:
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work. You’re smiling already
Cheers Ruffy
Insert appropriate suburb
A Port Adelaide girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Port Adelaide girl,
"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Port Adelaide girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'
or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it...
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Port Adelaide girl... "I just use their surnames"
===========================================
An Port Adelaide girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
=============================================
Q. Two Port Adelaide girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
=========================================
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Port Adelaide girl?
A.. Granny.
===============================================
Q. Why did the Port Adelaide girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
==============================================
Q. What do you call an Port Adelaide girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride...
=============================================
Q. What's the first question during an Port Adelaide quiz night?
A. What the f*** are you looking at?
==============================================
Q. What does a Port Adelaide girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
================================================
Q. Two Port Adelaide kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
================================================== ===
Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Port Adelaide girl?
A. An Port Adelaide girl has a higher sperm count.
===============================================
Q. What's the most confusing day in Port Adelaide ?
A. Father's day
================================================
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Port Adelaide ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Cheers Ruffy
Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have...'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to f*** off.
A ringer from a cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist...."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Didn't feel a thing."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror.. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16-year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'
Confused,he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS
Spot the mistake:
[attachment=6767]
Irish Vasectomy...
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided enough was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy but it was expensive.
He explained a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can,
Then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,'
At which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs in Brisbane
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 01-08-2009
(28-07-2009, 09:52am)Madmax Wrote: A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
And slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
You just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
The dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
The truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
Wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
Radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
Bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
And whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
Is out fishing in that?"
And that's sure enough to start the fight ...
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started..
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
To verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
Wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
Curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
Enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
gold!
Raging theres some good lines there!
An the pots joke,omg lol
Ruffy they were good as well!
Were on a f*&^ing roll here!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 04-08-2009
Creative puns for smart minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher b acked into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head.
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 04-08-2009
COUNTRY MUSIC TITLES....
1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.
2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling.
3. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl,
But It Don't Run So We're Even.
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Daddy's Head).
6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away.
9. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
14. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here.
15. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You.
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
19. Please Bypass My Heart.
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger.
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat.
22. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
24. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
25. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Astro - 04-08-2009
Two sperm are swimming like crazy.
One sperm says to the other "Man, I'm getting tired. How long before we get to the womb?"
The other sperm says "How the hell would I know, we're not even out of the oesophagus yet!"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Ruffy - 04-08-2009
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money".
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles"
The Aussie said, "Why can't they fu*king play at night?"
Cheers Ruffy
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 04-08-2009
M8eee that is gold!!!!!
Ahahaha!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Madmax - 05-08-2009
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND
When we have REAL trouble, it's a.. HISterectomy.
_____________________________________________________________
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine..'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part............................
'Only when he's been drinking.'
And then the fighting started
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 06-08-2009
An annual contest at Texas A&M University calls for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness".
The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd
by the clean end."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 13-08-2009
The fishing trip
Joe and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because
his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Joe
headed home frustrated.
The following week when Joe's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Joe. He was already sitting at the campground
with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire
glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Joe?"
"I didn't have to," Joe replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went
home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I
couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to
the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"
________________________________________________________________________________
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which
was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked
my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing ...
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Madmax - 14-08-2009
(13-08-2009, 09:29pm)TempOzzy Wrote: The fishing trip
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which
was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked
my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing ...
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
haven't laughed so hard in years.
Thank you
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 14-08-2009
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - bigfoot - 14-08-2009
These jokes are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 15-08-2009
M8ee that last one was mad lol...
heres one..
Man Stories
1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Shit".
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
The things kids say !!
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
What do you get when you cross GPS with PMS?
A bitch you just cant get away from.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 16-08-2009
A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.
He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."
His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary.
The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead".
The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?"
To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."