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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 18-07-2009
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out
a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says,
"You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy,
"You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while.
I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours
the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian,
"Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies,
"I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella
that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa
disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says
"And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies,
"Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel.
Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now.
He storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out
from behind the pile of sand and yells,
"SUPPLIES!!!!"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - bigfoot - 18-07-2009
pretty good LOL!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 18-07-2009
So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter,a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,unattractive, mean-acting
woman walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the
way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'The ugly woman stopped yelling long
enough to say,'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,I just couldn't believe someone
slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 19-07-2009
(18-07-2009, 11:37pm)TempOzzy Wrote: So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter,a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,unattractive, mean-acting
woman walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the
way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'The ugly woman stopped yelling long
enough to say,'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,I just couldn't believe someone
slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 20-07-2009
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by Parliament House.' 'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 23-07-2009
Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 23-07-2009
After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
Captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,
Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good,
so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and
HOLY CRAP!'
Silence followed...
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom:
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking
to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Scottish passenger yelled,
' Fer Fux ache!, ye should see the back o' mine!'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 24-07-2009
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - BUSGO - 24-07-2009
Dear Keith,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Maureen
******************************
Dear Maureen:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Keith
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 26-07-2009
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should already be opened when she brings it.
---------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
---------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until ...
... they can walk down the street in plaid with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - black13 - 26-07-2009
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting flies"
He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 26-07-2009
Finish This Sentence.
AS HAPPY AS PIG IN _________________________
[attachment=6693]
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Madmax - 28-07-2009
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
And slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
You just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
The dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
The truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
Wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
Radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
Bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
And whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
Is out fishing in that?"
And that's sure enough to start the fight ...
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started..
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
To verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
Wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
Curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
Enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TempOzzy - 30-07-2009
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'
;
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Raging - 30-07-2009
A man noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
'My dog attacked and killed her.'
'But who is in the second hearse?'
'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her..'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Rodney Dangerfield's 22 Best One-Liners
Not Goons but some are funny never the less.
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I w ent to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the f*cking pots!"