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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - BUSGO - 31-10-2008
Pardon My French
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return was enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly, 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 6,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - bigfoot - 31-10-2008
that is so funny my stomach hurts ouch i need water
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 01-11-2008
Beethoven Symphonies
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 01-11-2008
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TheShredder - 01-11-2008
A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee.
Santa says 'What would you like for Christmas?'
The girl says 'I want some hair round my fanny'.
Santa says 'Would a white beard be OK?'
A man goes into Supadrug and asks 'Have you got KY Jelly?'
'No, sorry', says the assistant, 'have you tried Boots?'
The man replies 'I wanted to slide it in, not f*&^ing march it in!'
A man goes down on a woman and says 'f***, that stinks!'
The woman says 'It's my arthritis'.
He says 'What, in your c**t?'
She says 'No, in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse'.
A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.
The fireman asks 'how do we get there?'
'HELLOO!' she replies, 'In the f*&^ing big red truck!'
A tramp walks into a jewellers and casually begins to finger his own arse.
The jeweller screams 'GET OUT'
The tramp points to the sign 'COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT!'
Teacher to class 'What does your dad do at weekends?'
Little Johnny 'He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right, he lets punters bang his arse and let them come in his mouth'.
Teacher pulls him to one side and says 'Johnny, is that true?'
'No Miss, he goes to watch Carlton but I'm too embarrassed to say that'.
A Jewish boy was born with no eyelids.
Doctors are going to operate using old foreskins, but his mum's worried he might turn out little pee wee-eyed.
A lesbian goes to the doctors and the doctor says 'that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen'.
'Thank you' says the lesbian. 'I have a woman in twice a week!'
Why do women have orgasms?
So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, do you think:
a. You need more time together
b. She's a f*&^ing prude
c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.
A pregnant Irish girl phones home.
'Mam oi tink me waters have broke'.
'Oh me holy Jaysus where are ya ringing from?'
'Oim ringing from me minge to me ankles'.
A man comes home from the pub very late and very drunk.
His wife says 'OK smartarse, explain the lipstick on your shirt'.
'Fuckin easy', he said. 'I used my shirt to wipe my little pee wee'.
Kylie, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.
Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.
Robbie pulls her knickers down and fucks her senseless.
He turns to Elton, says 'your turn' but Elton starts crying.
'What's wrong', asks Robbie?
Elton sobs and says 'my head won't fit in the railings'.
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% said 'the 10 minutes of silence.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - debandee - 01-11-2008
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?
The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.
'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key'?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 02-11-2008
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 03-11-2008
Some good ones there shredder
Anyhow, bedroom tip 101
UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - TheShredder - 03-11-2008
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station . . .
. . . and that's how the fight started.
**************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Lite for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream at night . . .
. . . and that's how the fight started.
**************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later..
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too . . '
. . . and that's how the fight started.
**************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God !' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
. . . and that's how the fight started.
**************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first, 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself'
. . . and that's how the fight started
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 03-11-2008
Something to motivate you guys
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 04-11-2008
My wife wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.
So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face.
She got mad.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 04-11-2008
NEMESIS Wrote:My wife wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.
So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face.
She got mad.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 04-11-2008
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 04-11-2008
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 05-11-2008
Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria". The copper runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean - and gives the guy his license back.
The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say,
"I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"