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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 23-09-2008
LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence,and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Harry.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
'Why'? asks the father.
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.
'But that's right' says his father.
'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'
'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said' replied Harry.
LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH
Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'
Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'
LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR
Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'.
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'
LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it..'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful'.
LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?
Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuckin' business.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 24-09-2008
ARL OR AFL?
This is good
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad cheques
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71,
repeat
71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN-CANBERRA
The
same group of Idiots
that crank out new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - ROD - 25-09-2008
Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?
Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 25-09-2008
oww - my brain really hurts
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - bigfoot - 25-09-2008
i got all of those wrong
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 02-10-2008
The Australian & The Muslim
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight
from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he
would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't realize we had a
choice..."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 02-10-2008
Well now wonder it takes so long to get things done here in Aus
[attachment=3968]
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 02-10-2008
Uses Of Vaseline
Bruce wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Bruce a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
No problem," he says. And in they go. Bruce is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Bruce decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Bruce remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*ckin' dishes!"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 02-10-2008
The new American One Dollar Bill
[attachment=3970]
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 06-10-2008
How tough are Australians ? The scene is set
- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,
stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins... Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es.
Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a
crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by.
I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em
with my beer hends'.
Mark from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand
to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me.
I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp.
End I'm still here today' Ron the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 06-10-2008
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Rev004 - 06-10-2008
One evening a man was at home watching TV and
eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air,
and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a
question - and as he turned to answer her, a
peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to
dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance,
and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door,
their daughter came home with her date. After
being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut
out. The young man told the father to sit
down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of
his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and
yelled for joy. The young man insisted that
it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the
father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't
he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his
fingers, our son in-law."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 08-10-2008
4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.
One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.
Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison
'We were at your birthday party yesterday'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 08-10-2008
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
'Feathers show number of sexual partners,' the chief replied.
Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, 'Him? One woman, one feather.
Him?' pointing to a second, older man, 'Three women, three feathers.'
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. 'But you have so many feathers!'
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. 'Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.'
Horrified, the female reporter said, 'You ought to be hung!'
The Chief said, 'Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.'
The offended reporter said, 'You don't have to be hostile!'
The Chief replied, 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!'
The reporter cried, 'Oh, dear!'
'No deer', said the Chief. ' Ass too high, run too fast!'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 09-10-2008
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less
serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein
was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing
labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, When a bloody truck hit us.'