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+--- Thread: Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD (/showthread.php?tid=18106)
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 08-04-2008
Nah mrs tony,i wish,its all front dear ;)
Ive never cheated on a partner an never would,once you know what
it feels like to be done to you. You just wouldnt do it.
Plus i got morals.
Too bad i love the busa more than any girl ive been with hahaahah
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 08-04-2008
[attachment=2773]
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Heidi1 - 08-04-2008
I saw a new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about the 'fairly' in that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, ' Do you think I'll live to be 80? '
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine? '
'Oh no ', I replied. ' I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked ' Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? '
I said, ' No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling ?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, ' Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex? '
'No, ' I said.
He looked at me and said, ' Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Cellphone Karma - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 08-04-2008
Take note people may have to be a possum and not a squirrel
![[Image: th_CellPhoneKarma.jpg]](http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/th_CellPhoneKarma.jpg)
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 09-04-2008
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 11-04-2008
Goal!!!!! or not
![[Image: th_doesthisgoalcount.jpg]](http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/th_doesthisgoalcount.jpg)
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Mutha - 13-04-2008
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 14-04-2008
Accelerated learning
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong...... "
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 15-04-2008
Good one 
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 15-04-2008
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 15-04-2008
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 15-04-2008
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Dont poke the cat - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 16-04-2008
Yeah I don't think I would be poking it either
![[Image: th_dontpokethecat.jpg]](http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/th_dontpokethecat.jpg)
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 17-04-2008
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find
yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that come
with the
laughter)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target .
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it buddy ,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, do it again!
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-LIGHTENING BOLT... That hurt !!! A minute or so later (I
can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I m still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 17-04-2008
ERNIE, RAY AND TREV.
"Seventy is the worst age to be," said the 70-year-old Trev. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 80-year-old Ray. "When you're eighty, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 90-year-old Ernie, "ninety is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked Trev.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, Ray said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning At 6:30. So what's so bad about being 90?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."