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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - LOAFIE - 08-02-2008
Advice From Jim.......
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't
yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it outover two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting
her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 08-02-2008
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 08-02-2008
How to be cruel to old Guys . . . .
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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 08-02-2008
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger " What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know" said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"Ok" she said. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm...I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - LOAFIE - 08-02-2008
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - LOAFIE - 08-02-2008
A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I've got a rather embarrassing problem, my farts just don't sound right."
"Well, how do they sound?" asks the doctor,
"They've starting making a HONDA noise'.
The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well, I also have a terrible boil on my bum" replies the man.
The doctor looked pleased. "That's it then!! We'll lance the boil and you will see a difference right away".
"How on earth could that possibly work?" asks the man.
"it's a well know fact..." the doctor told him,
"...abcess makes the fart go Honda!!!!".
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - LOAFIE - 08-02-2008
Farmer Brown gets a phone call from his farm hand.
"I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor and its still alive."
Farmer Brown says: "Shoot it and then bury him."
Farmer gets another phone call ...
"Done that. What should I do with his speed camera?"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 09-02-2008
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f.ckin blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - BUSGO - 09-02-2008
That reminds me, it is my anniversary next week.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - cAstAgeAr - 09-02-2008
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 15-02-2008
Blond jokes...
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - tenacious - 15-02-2008
Nem I reckon you might have something to say about the last one.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 18-02-2008
tenacious Wrote:Nem I reckon you might have something to say about the last one.
Nah im cool,hell funny!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Mutha - 18-02-2008
Just as well I'm not a natural Blonde, I might be offended
Got any new one's ?
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - NEMESIS - 18-02-2008
Just some stuff i find funny for all sorts of reasons...
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