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Re: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Sentinel - 29-09-2006
An old man was sitting on the bench in Albert Park (Brave soul). A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colours - green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared at the young fella.
The cocky young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought a while and replied, "Got drunk once and rooted a parrot - I was just wondering if you were my son."
"Don't ride behind me, I may not lead. Don't ride in front of me, I may not follow. Just ride beside me and be my friend."
Old Age - MrsTony660 - 30-09-2006
Thanks Sentinel for chiming in with the funnies. Now I don't feel too bad
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris.
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Alzheimer's - it has its advantages.
Little Guy, Big Kahunas - MrsTony660 - 01-10-2006
Re: For Sale - braddo2264 - 01-10-2006
BRADDO
Re: For Sale - MrsTony660 - 01-10-2006
at Braddo. How many times has Mr Tony told me that???
Religous Instruction???? - MrsTony660 - 02-10-2006
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens. They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out"
Re: Religous Instruction???? - Fat Busa Racing 1347 - 02-10-2006
this is some funny shit...keep up the good work
Regards Richard
“Racing is living, everything else is just waiting”
Re: hOW COLD IS IT? - Sentinel - 02-10-2006
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Boy, it's dark in here! - Sentinel - 02-10-2006
Boy it's Dark in Here
This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see what
took place in their room when the doors were locked.
As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her
boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boys father comes home. The wife
wisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.
After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."
Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more minutes
the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How much?" In
reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when
the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.
The man reluctantly agrees.
After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet,
and too upset too continue she sends him on his way.
The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll
of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come
from?, to which her son replied "Can't say." The mother asks again and
upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car.
The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional
and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the
door over the boy said"Boy it's dark in here, to which the priest replied,
"Don't start that sh** again!"
"Don't ride behind me, I may not lead. Don't ride in front of me, I may not follow. Just ride beside me and be my friend."
One liners - BUSGO - 02-10-2006
What smells like bananas but you can't see it?
A monkey fart....
I told my wife that one and she said I was as nutty as squirrel shit....
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!
Clever Advertising - MrsTony660 - 03-10-2006
I have no idea what the last one is advertising. Maybe viagra???
RIP Grandad - Sentinel - 03-10-2006
My grandad died recently.
He died making love to my nanna on a Sunday morning.
What a way to go... 93 and on the job and his heart went.
My nanna told us at the funeral that they were making love on a Sunday 'cos he needed the church bells to pace him...
He just needed that, ding...... dong.....
She said he'd still be alive if the Ice Cream Van hadn't gone past.
Re: RIP Grandad - Sentinel - 03-10-2006
There were two guys working for the Sydney Council.
One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the footpath and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
funnies - m8ee - 03-10-2006
>> > A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up
> >> > with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on
> >> > famously and ended up in bed. She told him she was a jockey and that,
> >> > if
> >> > he came to the races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner
> >> > of
> >> > each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the
> >> > saddling paddock.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her t!ts. The bloke looked through
> >> > the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed a $100 at 5-1,
> >> > it won by two lengths.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > "F*ck, this is great!" he thought. In Race 4, she rode out rubbing her
> >> > fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10-1 and was
> >> > five grand in front.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
> >> > her pussy. He backed nothing.
> >> > After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
> >> > Races 2 and 4. "What about Itchey Mickey in the last at 66-1?" she
> >> > asked. "Sh!t", he said, "I thought you were telling me the c*nt was
> >> > scratched".
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Re: funnies - bandit17172 - 03-10-2006
>>
>>>THE BEER SCOOTER
>>>
>>>
>>>How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
>>>drinking and thought: "How on earth did I get home?"
>>>
>>>
>>>As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey
>>>from
>>>the pub to your house.
>>>
>>>
>>>The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
>>>
>>>
>>>The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased
>>>to
>>>the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a
>>>large
>>>batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the
>>>following
>>>fashion:
>>>
>>>
>>>The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the
>>>"slurring
>>>gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus, or one of his many
>>>sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged
>>>Beer
>>>Scooter.
>>>
>>>
>>>The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their
>>>bedroom
>>>via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a
>>>large
>>>portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
>>>This
>>>answers the second question after a night out:
>>>
>>>
>>>"How did I spend so much money?"
>>>
>>>
>>>Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are
>>>thought
>>>to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking
>>>Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of
>>>your
>>>head.
>>>
>>>
>>>An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of
>>>time
>>>segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
>>>dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This
>>>answers
>>>a third question after a night out:
>>>
>>>
>>>"What the hell happened?"
>>>
>>>
>>>With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
>>>Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes,
>>>in
>>>descending order, those parts in time regretted most.
>>>Unfortunately one
>>>person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite
>>>often
>>>lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
>>>Independent
>>>studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
>>>Scooter's
>>>navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the
>>>wrong
>>>bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
>>>
>>>
>>>For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers
>>>picked from
>>>other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
>>>These
>>>boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you
>>>tip-toe
>>>up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
>>>anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the
>>>house
>>>and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
>>>bruised shins.
>>>
>>>
>>>The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is
>>>the
>>>TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
>>>apparently get through 260 Camel Lights in a single night.
>>>
>>>
>>>P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to
>>>comfortably
>>>get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a
>>>T-shirt.
>>>
>>>
>>> Regards Rob
never argue with a fool he will just drag you down to his level and he will beat you with experience