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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - LOAFIE - 09-11-2007
m8ee
Seatbelt Safety Message - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 10-11-2007
http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/?action=view¤t=driver.flv
Shadow puppets - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 11-11-2007
http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/?action=view¤t=danse.flv
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 12-11-2007
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 13-11-2007
A Queensland drover was grazing his herd on the long acre along
a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new Range
Rover emerged from a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, D&G
sunglasses and Hermes silk tie, leans out the window and asks the
drover, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Nokia cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
drover and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says the drover.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the drover says to the young man,"Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
why not?"
"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie," but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answered the drover.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to
get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about cows.
Now give me back my dog."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 15-11-2007
What dating was like in 1960.
It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes
to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own
car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy
Sue's mother answers and invites him
in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why
don't you have a seat?'
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what
they're planning to do. Harold replies
politely that they will probably just go
to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't
you kids go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it.' Naturally
this comes as quite a surprise to
Harold and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know
Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
why, she'd screw all ni ght if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from
ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening. A few
minutes later, Peggy Sue comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with her saddle shoes, and announces that
she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation,
Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good
evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly
disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and
screams at her mother:
' Mum! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!!!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - slowandsteady - 19-11-2007
![[Image: ATT00010.jpg]](http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/ellwood_02/pics/ATT00010.jpg)
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 20-11-2007
http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/?action=view¤t=TeamPlayer.jpg
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 22-11-2007
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, asked, Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore
that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said;
"Mission Accomplished"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 23-11-2007
http://s78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/?action=view¤t=PerfectCrime.flv
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 24-11-2007
Project Management for Dummies
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 25-11-2007
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush....
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Mutha - 25-11-2007
Subject: Land Rights
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Three Aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekathara
The first bloke says to his mate "Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with
your money from da government?"
Jeffrey says " I'm gonna buy Arnhem land, dat's good land up der bloke"
Then Jeffry says to Lewis " Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?"
Lewis says " I'm gonna buy Gibson land.. Nice place round der ai"
Then Lewis says to Neville "Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy there
bloke?"
Neville replys " I'm gonna buy LIQUOR LAND"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Mutha - 25-11-2007
How men think...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined; no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure... maybe she choked".
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 25-11-2007
Ohhh thats bad but funny but still bad