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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - arthur dunga - 25-09-2007
how did the somali get red feet ? trying to kick start menstral cycle
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 26-09-2007
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.
At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a
heart, made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their
good-byes,the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed
again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
"Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist".
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 26-09-2007
I went to the cemetery yesterday, there were 4 pall bearers
walking around with a coffin.
3 hours later they were still walking around with it.
I thought to myself " these buggers have lost the plot"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 29-09-2007
The Cowboy from brokeback mountain was feeling crook.... So he went to
the doctor. The Doc told him, "I'm not going to beat around the bush - you've got AIDS".
"What can I do"? Asked the Cowboy.
"Go home and eat 5kgs of spicy sausage, 4 cabbages, 3 boxes of all bran and top it off with 2 litres of prune juice".
"Will that cure me?" asked the Cowboy.
"No", said the Doc. "But it might give you a better understanding of what your arse is actually for."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 01-10-2007
> Jeremy Clarkson Quotes (Top Gear - SBS)
>
> "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
> Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and as you would imagine it's
> full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
> get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for
> me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In
> a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
>
> About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be
> doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to
> come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
>
> "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
> politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper
> in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
>
> "America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for
> wanker"
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a
> greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car:
> it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not "soot."
> Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
> Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is
> another league of badness!"
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
> That's what gets you."
>
> "The air conditioning in Lambo's used to be an asthmatic sitting in
> the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
> comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
> convertible was Adolf Hitler."
>
> (Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a
> party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play
> ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to
> park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to
> be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration
> camp!"
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
> carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
> 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
> diseases.'"
>
> On the Mercedes CLs55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would
> be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
> places quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars
> domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be
> on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
> to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter
> from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this
> red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
> Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said
> was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'."
>
> "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
> because they don't have wheel-chair access."
>
> "If we are being honest, HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live
> in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10
> days in 10 years."
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French
> air force crashing into a firework factory."
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the
> back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is
> 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on
> the tailgate..."
>
> "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000.
> The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just...."
> Hammond: "THAT bad is it?"
> Clarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole
> different league."
>
> "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a
> car, put it on sale and then found out how it handled. Usually when
> one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
> dead he was."
>
> "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when
> God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit
> into them."
>
> Assessing Hammond's crash:
> Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to
> come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
> Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the
> office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me,
> wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-
> behaved...for a murderer."
>
> "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals
> duty to be on my plate at supper time."
>
> "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality
> of stitching... on their face."
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
> work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it
> so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
> sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
> if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do,
> and it helps."
>
> "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I won't go
> to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance,
> she's a woman!"
>
> "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a
> sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
> equivalent of a President."
>
> On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive
> gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with
> gingivitis."
>
> "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - BUSGO - 01-10-2007
Manly and Port Adelaide...
ha ha ha...
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 04-10-2007
SOUTHERNERS CAN BE SO POLITE
SAUDI AIR: Houston Tower... this is Saudi Air, flight 911, requesting permission to land.
HOUSTON Air Traffic Control: Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are
cleared to land Eastbound on runway 9-R."
SAUDI AIR: "Thank you Houston ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
IRAN AIR: Houston Tower... this is Iran Air, flight 715 requesting permission to land...
HOUSTON ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 715 -- You are cleared to land
Westbound On runway 9R."
IRAN AIR: "Thank you, Houston ATC. We are cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great!
Pause:
Static...
SAUDI AIR: "HOUSTON ATC - HOUSTON ATC"
HOUSTON ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
SAUDI AIR: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!!!! WE ARE COMING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!!!"
HOUSTON ATC: "Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be
careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us..."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTonysEvilTwin - 07-10-2007
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St.
Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, It took me three months to find a priest
up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 08-10-2007
Australian Alternative Citizenship Test
LANGUAGE
1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin
of, the term "died in the arse"?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a
U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos
rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex
and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and
lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and
Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
CUSTOMS
1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana.
If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and
Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between
flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ...
b) You're going home in the back of a ...
c) Fair suck of the ...
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard
"up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
FOOD
1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage,
curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein,
chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and
other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop
and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been
nicked from a bath full of ice?
6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other
people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required
by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
CULTURE
1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs,
an Esky or Ugg boots?
2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
3. Who would you like to crack on to?
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue"
Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer
or have a pool?
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?
The people to be granted citizenship are the ones who call it a crock
and cheat.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 10-10-2007
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
……I'm sorry. What was the question?
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - tenacious - 11-10-2007
Q: What's the difference between the New Zealand Rugby team and a teabag?
A: The teabag stays in the cup longer.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - BUSGO - 11-10-2007
m8ee Wrote:Queensland joke - substitute your biggest bogan
suburb for Ipswich if you are not from brisbane.
HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Ipswich in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Queen Street, Ipswich. Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately $30.00 worth of damage..
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
The Ipswich Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ipswich.
One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and
River slept through it all." Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuits,
singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, reebok boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
Donations $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Ipswich Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Ipswich - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway!
M8ee. I did as you suggested back in March. I substituted the Ipswich name for Windale, the local Newcastle bogan suburb, and sent this to a few work mates.
It made the rounds of all the offices in Newcastle and eventaully was read out over the popular morning show on the radio.
They treated is as a news bulletin and it was a riot.
I embellished it a bit and made it sound even worse than the original.
Apparantly it has caused quite a shit fight and has even now been raised in state government as a cause to have the radio station sanctioned for bigotry.
Some people just have no sense of humor.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 11-10-2007
excellent - our work here is done mate LOL
:aussie
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - BUSGO - 11-10-2007
I have an MP3 version (2.6mb) of the radio outtake if anyone wants a copy.
Send a request to rbuscombe@optusnet.com.au and I'll rebound with a copy.
Did you write it M8EE?
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - m8ee - 11-10-2007
Unfortunately I am not that clever - turned up in the inbox one day.