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RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 02-06-2007
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, " Have you been in the service?"
Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, " O.K. I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in
at 10:00A.M. "
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 03-06-2007
This morning on the way to work when I rear-ended a car at some lights while not really paying attention. Anyway the fella who was driving got out ... and he was a dwarf!!!! He said "I'm not happy"........ I said
"Well which bloody dwarf are you then??"
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 04-06-2007
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The
blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
clock,will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you
hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and
DuctTape. If it doesn't move and should, use the
WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.
7. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING; BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
Dog Pack Attack Croc in Cairns - MrsTony - 04-06-2007
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
The croc, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.
See the remarkable photograph attached, courtesy of Nature Magazine.
Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the crocodile preventing it From breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.
[attachment=699]
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - BUSGO - 05-06-2007
That's nothing Trix.
You should see what my pups did to an Elephant and a Tiger Lilly..
Bloodthirsty bastards!
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 07-06-2007
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you .
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - ROD - 07-06-2007
TRIPLETS
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two
healthy
daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and
then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again
the mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's
okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking
a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was having a wank and shot the cat."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 12-06-2007
[attachment=733]
Is this the universal remote
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 14-06-2007
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take
four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay
for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to
the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
o ne on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi,Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
Motivational Posters - Again - MrsTony - 18-06-2007
http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/AimHigh.jpg
http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/Adventure.jpg
http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/burgesst66/Jokes/Donuts.jpg
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 19-06-2007
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal cool ness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - andcad - 19-06-2007
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v604/andcad/Misc/DearMiriam.jpg
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 23-06-2007
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. Her beauty took their breath away. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said: "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then, she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said: "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - Mutha - 24-06-2007
A Touching Elephant Story - Elephants don't forget.
This is an amazing and heart warming story;
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
RE: Laughter... The Best Medicene - MrsTony - 25-06-2007
Prescription
A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."