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Re:Getting a job - this is a joke - Max - 19-02-2007
A Lebonese youth walks into the local JobCentre office in Banktown,
Marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "'ey, you bloke.... I don't
wanna be on dole. I wanna job."
The clerk behind the JobCentre desk says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year."
The Lebonese youth says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it . __________
Madmax - GSX1300R Black and Grey Buses Rule
Good Bike, Good Woman, Good Road, Good Weather, Good God - Good Bye!
Smith and Wesson - The original point and click interface.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
24/7 Roadside Assist... - rev 01 - 19-02-2007
3 bikers are sitting at the bar bragging about their bikes & their respective roadside assistance packages.
The snappy BMW rider starts in & says : You know what chaps ....in the unlikely event that I EVER break down, I can ring that roadside assistance hotline & my mechanic & mobile workshop will be there inside 30 minutes & I'll be on my way before you know it, come what may.
Impressed, the slightly dishevelled Honda rider is taken aback somewhat but then quickly replys: So what....if I ring our hotline.... I'll get all of that PLUS a loaner bike & petrol.
And then the slovenly rat Busa rider hearing all this, slowly & unsteadily staggers to his feet & whispers : Well....if we ring our 24 hour hotline, we get a trained parrott saying "rider abuse dickhead..... rider abuse"
Fair enough - Fat Busa Racing 1347 - 22-02-2007
The General Managers of:
Cascade Brewery (Tasmania)
Tooheys (New South Wales)
XXXX (Queensland)
CUB (Victoria)
Coopers (South Australia)
- were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want
to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have a Tooheys
New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught,
brewed from pure mountain water!"
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says "I'll have a Coopers, the King
of Beers!"
The bloke from Carlton says "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest
draught on the planet"
The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll
have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and
says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking Beer, then neither will I !!!"
Regards Richard
You're the guy that'll be sneaking out of your bedroom at three o'clock in the morning to look at your bike. Paul Teutul,Sr. American Chopper
Beer Special - MrsTony660 - 27-02-2007
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
"Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir..."
Making up for the last week - MrsTony660 - 27-02-2007
Think before you speak...
Confessions from embarrassed women
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,
'I think I like playing with men's balls.'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
'Danny, did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
The fine art of the shout - MrsTony660 - 28-02-2007
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Pub. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well", said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no." said the Irishman.
But it did happen to me sister."
Salutations
Trix
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday
It wasnt me - loafie01 - 01-03-2007
Unionism - MrsTony660 - 02-03-2007
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las
Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first
one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20" the madam replied.
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." Salutations
Trix
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday
Wife - MrsTony660 - 03-03-2007
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I Clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, Perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
Dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his Wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth s hut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your Radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar Detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says , "And I notice that you're not wearing Your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took It off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my Back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have Your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking." Salutations
Trix
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday
Sex - MrsTony660 - 04-03-2007
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted living apartment" .. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex . He could fly."
Salutations
Trix
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday
Cruel Tattoo - MrsTony660 - 05-03-2007
Salutations
Trix
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday
Re: Cruel Tattoo - glen66 - 05-03-2007
The other half must have washed off.
Cruel Tattoo - Taubusa - 05-03-2007
No mate they are the folded in 1/2 specs Cheers Taub
Re: Cruel Tattoo - AstroBusa - 05-03-2007
For those who can't see it... its a 12" ruler... above it reads
"You must be this tall"
and below it reads
"To enjoy this ride" The older I get, the better I was. Regards.... Rob
Crooked Cops? - MrsTony660 - 06-03-2007
s78.photobucket.com/album..._Chase.flv Salutations
Trix
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need a holiday
Edited by: MrsTony660 at: 6/3/07 8:40