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Greath Truths - MrsTony660 - 21-12-2006
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. Greetings
Trix
There is nothing like a bee in your helmet to test your reflexs and nerves
Parrot - MrsTony660 - 22-12-2006
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a House of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!" Greetings
Trix
There is nothing like a bee in your helmet to test your reflexs and nerves
Brazillian - MrsTony660 - 23-12-2006
Greetings
Trix
There is nothing like a bee in your helmet to test your reflexs and nerves
Useful - MrsTony660 - 24-12-2006
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom Making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset.
You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do This to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm Leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began: Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and While she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full Of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans That you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say They are too tight. also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that You don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots You bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because Someone at work has a pair like them.."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please.........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? Greetings
Trix
There is nothing like a bee in your helmet to test your reflexs and nerves
What every man wants for xmas... - RuffRed - 24-12-2006
Arrive alive Campaign for the holidays
The National Roads Safety Council has done
extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results
show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45%
when the belt is properly installed.
Correct installation is illustrated below.......
This is very Important, please pass onto friends and family .
THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!
Ruffy
Crack - MrsTony660 - 26-12-2006
Greetings
Trix
There is nothing like a bee in your helmet to test your reflexs and nerves
Deaf Secretary - MrsTony660 - 27-12-2006
Greetings
Trix
There is nothing like a bee in your helmet to test your reflexs and nerves
Re: Deaf Secretary - AstroBusa - 27-12-2006
The "crack of Dawn" one is a winner !! The older I get, the better I was. Regards.... Rob
Dear Dr Phil - MrsTony660 - 28-12-2006
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do?
Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught
Dear Fisherman,?
Get rid of that narrow minded wife. That's a nice pair of bass!
DR. Phil
Hmmmmmmm...... - RuffRed - 28-12-2006
To my untrained eye the right one seems to be bigger than the left one - I need a second opinion Astro?
Ruffy
Re: Hmmmmmmm...... - BUSGO - 28-12-2006
Damm it Ruffy you are right.
Unless it is the fish you are talking about. In that case it is visa versa.
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!
Re: Hmmmmmmm...... - RuffRed - 28-12-2006
What fish?
Ruffy
Re: Hmmmmmmm...... - AstroBusa - 28-12-2006
Ruffy..... Busgo.... you're both right.
I wonder if those fish were caught on a line... or if they jumped out for a closer look at those magnificent mounds of womanhood....
I wonder if she likes to ride as much as she likes to fish ?
I wonder ...... awww stuff it.... I'm not wondering... I'm too busy looking to even type straight...
I wish her name was Dawn.... she could hold my calls any day.
The older I get, the better I was. Regards.... RobEdited by: AstroBusa at: 28/12/06 22:41
Re: Hmmmmmmm...... - glen66 - 28-12-2006
Slip slop slap young lady. well, at least you have a hat.
Re: Hmmmmmmm...... - BUSGO - 29-12-2006
I used to fish a lot and had a great time with my two mates Nick and Terry. Nick lost my rod overboard whilst hauling in a big one and Terry was quick to try and regather it.
I was left holding the camera and couldn't get to the other side of the boat in case it capsized.
I won't put the photo up but will provide a link.
Nudity may offend some viewers so If you don't want to witness the unfortunate event, don't click here.
img.photobucket.com/albums/v636/BUSGO/fishing.jpg
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!