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+--- Thread: Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD (/showthread.php?tid=18106)
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Dinner with the wife - Sentinel - 31-10-2006
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You
want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi
Kids say the darndest things - MrsTony660 - 01-11-2006
In case anyone needs a few pointers.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--
Theodore, age 8 (little does he realise that once hes married, he wont be having sex with his wife, even if he wanted to!)
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is.......
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10 I loved that one
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Re: Kids say the darndest things - BUSGO - 01-11-2006
Lots of wise advice there Trix.
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!
Re: Kids say the darndest things - glen66 - 01-11-2006
True. It was Halloween last night and the boy wanted to harass the neighbours. I went one better and gave a deliberately long speech on what it means to be Aussie. I doubt he'll ever ask again. Anyways, about two hours later, there's a knock at the door. The boy answers it. It is a bunch of kids and Mum looking for a tasty handout. Just as I start to walk down the hall, I hear this gem - 'My Dad said that I'm not american and neither are you, so you can piss off'. A quick 180 sent me back to the couch and sent the wife in to deal with it. Don't know what happened after that.
Re: Kids say the darndest things - m8ee - 01-11-2006
"mummy, can you take people apart like my mechano set?"
"No honey, why do you ask?"
"because Daddy was telling his friend on the phone that he screwed the arse off his seceretary" Don't ride behind me, I might bin it, Don't ride in front of me ya slow moving bastard, Just ride beside me and shut the f*** up.
Re: Laughter... The Best Medicene - SubRX - 01-11-2006
Vaseline and Harleys
Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day He comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks The seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the
bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of
Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet
her Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and
says, "I Have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right
smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the Kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the
situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. SO he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, And screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and Her Mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs The Mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every Which Way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and Her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline
from his Pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
Dave
Chocolate Chip Biccies - MrsTony660 - 02-11-2006
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Here's an example--
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22011
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22011
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm# theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel with
a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.
Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600mm).
Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21,55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the produce to come to equilibrium.
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Edited by: MrsTony660 at: 2/11/06 20:52
Re: Chocolate Chip Biccies - Sentinel - 03-11-2006
Hey Mrs. T,
I tried it and its the best cake I've ever made...
Have a look:
Re: Chocolate Chip Biccies - HAYABUSA ROD - 03-11-2006
you stuffed up somewhere Sentinel it was ment to come out as Chocolate Chip Biccies
THE WARRIOR
REGARDS ROD
kangaroos1996@msn.com
Re: Chocolate Chip Biccies - Sentinel - 03-11-2006
What more can you expect from an mechanical engineer!
Lucky it was not a
Sperm Bank - MrsTony660 - 03-11-2006
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Poetry???? - MrsTony660 - 04-11-2006
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you,
Because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marry-ing you, screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Auto Out of Office - MrsTony660 - 05-11-2006
Best Out of Office Auto-Replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
> AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'. Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn
Re: Auto Out of Office - Djpete - 05-11-2006
Cheers,
Pete
Z Web World
Mobile Dj, Web Design,Photography, Bullshit Artist!
"I don't want a pickle,
I just wanna ride my motorsickle."
Arlo Guthrie 1968
Baygone - MrsTony660 - 06-11-2006
Greetings
Trix
A finger in the air is worth one on the horn